i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
