i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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