Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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