Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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