i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
