What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
People in love make me want to vomit
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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