Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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