listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
