Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
