saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
