She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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