You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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