you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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