he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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