once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
