I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
