Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
