ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
