Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize