I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
