1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
