if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
