respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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