i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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