Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
