I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
