I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
