i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
