Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
