Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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