Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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