when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
