My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
