the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
zippers are such a cool invention
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
