Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
