Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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