Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
