homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
