remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
