I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
