it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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