Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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