hell yes lets make some ravioli
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
