dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
