Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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