No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Floor bacon is actually really good
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
