i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Those nachos came to me in a dream
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
