it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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