I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
