onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
