she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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