I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
