Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize