I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize