My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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