no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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