I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
