just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
